


self-control

by bluemoonrising (bloominggays)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pining, Short One Shot, Unhappy Ending, i really like frank ocean, it's sad af, kind of canon compliant but not really, songfic I guess, un-betaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 11:24:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17099693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloominggays/pseuds/bluemoonrising
Summary: "he was well aware of those feelings, but avoided them and tried his best to live without letting it get to him. most of the time it worked and johnny was proud of that. but ever since that small boy with pretty, sparkly eyes started walking into his room at night, right before sleep, only to play a sad song on the piano and leave... falling asleep started feeling a lot like falling in love."





	self-control

**Author's Note:**

> i found out some weeks ago that taeil used to (i don't know if he still does that, my heart wants to believe he does) enter johnny's room late at night, usually on his underwear, to play piano. and this information didn't leave my mind for days and days until i wrote this. i pulled an all nighter and wrote this down but i still spent a lot of time re-reading it and correcting a few mistakes and trying to make it more readable i guess? it's still terrible but i thought i should put it out there anyways, you know, before the year ended.  
> however, this is the first thing i've written in years besides my uni papers, so... i'm sorry for that. i really am.  
> also, in case you didn't notice, i love frank ocean a lot and i love that taeil loves him too and talked a lot about him last month. i listened to 'self-control' on loop while writing, you might want to listen to it while reading too. or not.  
> well! if you read this sad excuse of a fanfiction, please leave kudos and comments. <3

_i’ll be the boyfriend in your wet dreams tonight._

 

at first johnny thought it was weird. like... really weird. a half-undressed taeil entered his room, smiled at him, sat in front of the piano and started playing. johnny let him, not knowing what to do – he never knows what to do when it comes to taeil, to be honest – and when the smaller boy finished, he asked "taeil-hyung, what are you doing?" to what taeil simply responded, as if it was an obvious answer, "yours is the only room with a piano".

later, johnny realized that it was indeed an obvious answer, he just never expected his friend to show up wearing only a pair of sweatpants and start playing frank ocean on the piano like it was nothing. like he knew johnny wouldn't really mind or question him. because, really, johnny wouldn't.

 

three nights later, it happened again. a half naked taeil – this time wearing only boxers? for the love of god – entered the bedroom, pat johnny's head, who was already on his bed half asleep but struggling to finish a page of the book he was reading, and sat in front of the piano. johnny woke up fast as lightning and kept an eye on taeil while pretending he was still reading. the older boy hesitated a bit before he started playing and it didn't take long before johnny recognized the melody, same song as the other night.

it was weird not only because there was a half naked taeil playing his piano at 10pm, nor because he didn't mind that at all. but because it didn’t _feel_ weird or uncomfortable. the atmosphere between them was light and nice.  
for some reason, johnny expected taeil to sing. singing was his thing, after all. but he didn't and johnny was dying to know how that would sound... to hear those lyrics coming out of taeil's mouth with that beautiful voice of his while he played the piano. well, maybe that's why it wasn't happening, he pondered. it would be too good to be true.

this time johnny didn't ask any questions and taeil left as soon as he felt like he had enough of playing, wishing the tall boy a good night before leaving to his own room.

 

_now and then you miss it, sounds make you cry._

 

tomorrow night, the thought of bare-faced-half-naked taeil entering his room again kept johnny awake and sweating. the AC was on and the room was actually a bit cold but, then again, that wasn't the reason for all that sweat coming out of his pores. johnny tried to read but couldn't concentrate, so after half an hour he gave up and waited in silence.

10:37pm. the boy sighed in both relief and disappointment; it seemed like taeil wouldn't show up tonight. johnny couldn't point exactly the reason why he felt disappointed but he did notice the feeling was there. he just didn't know what to do about it.

 

 _i came to visit 'cause you see me like a UFO_.

 

it took 5 nights for taeil to do it again. wearing a pair of boxers and an old grey t-shirt, he knocked lightly on the already open door before entering the room. johnny told him to come in without really checking to see who it was, so when he saw his friend heading straight towards the piano, he couldn't help but freak out a little bit. internally. but in complete silence for he wanted to hear whatever taeil was going to play tonight.

just like the other night, taeil hesitated for a while before he started playing. when his fingers hit the keys, he started humming along the melody and johnny's first thought was that this was probably the closest to heaven he had ever been besides that one time when his friend's cat that seemed to hate him finally took a nap on his lap. he prayed that taeil couldn't see or feel his gaze, because he truly couldn't stop staring, somehow afraid that the moment would be over too soon. at some point, he closed his eyes and focused only on the sounds around him – the music and taeil's sweet humming.

a few seconds later, though, johnny noticed that the latter smelled like clean clothes, toothpaste and  lavender and it made him wonder if taeil’s skin felt as soft and warm as it looked like. it was amazing how taeil could contaminate the whole atmosphere around him. his presence was calm and familiar, but so strong. it seemed like the whole universe had just started revolving around that room. around him.

 johnny didn't know why he wasn't able to say anything during taeil's visits. maybe everything felt too delicate and his words might ruin it all. the strange intimacy held in those moments, the way taeil felt comfortable enough to just walk in and start playing whatever he felt like playing; aware that johnny was there, awake and listening, but knowing that he would never judge or complain. johnny never really needed to say anything, apparently the older boy just knew. and if they didn't need words for that to be understood between them, johnny was afraid to say anything else and ruin the silent bond that felt stronger and stronger as taeil kept stopping by.

 

_that's like never, 'cause i made you lose your self control._

 

that night johnny thought he was alone at the dorm. everyone went to a new restaurant jaehyun couldn't stop talking about but johnny didn't feel like going, for the first time ever, honestly. he usually was the first one to jump on the hype train and convince all the boys to go out but he woke up feeling moody and it kind of ruined his whole day. haechan had asked for him to, please, go with them, because it wouldn't be the same without him but johnny _really_ didn't feel like leaving his room, it didn't matter how much it hurt him to say no to his little brother.

it was around 8:30pm when a noise downstairs woke him from his nap. the guys couldn't possibly be back so early, they had left less than an hour ago and the manager was with them. so who the fuck was bumping on the living room's furniture? was he really that lucky to be home alone when someone decided to break in?

johnny kept quiet and paying attention to his surroundings but couldn't hear anything else. half an hour later, he decided he was just making stuff up and went to take a shower, taking his bluetooth speakers with him and blasting music as loud as he could because, for the first time in what felt like forever, nobody would be there to complain about it, thank god.

when he left the bathroom and turned the music off, the sound coming from his room scared the fuck out of him because, what the fuck, someone is playing that goddamn piano and... wait. what time is it now? right. 9:47pm. and someone was playing his piano. probably the same person who was bumping on the furniture earlier. and the same person who sometimes enters his room wearing less clothes than he should, plays that stupid piano without asking for permission for a few minutes and leaves without saying a single word.

taeil must have stayed home. he must have stayed home and was in johnny's room again. this time, something had to be said. not to keep taeil from doing what he was doing but. because. the silence was killing johnny. the silence between them and the silence that haunted him on those nights when taeil didn't come. the absence of taeil's smell and taeil's humming and taeil's presence ate johnny alive and he hated _so much_ to admit that. and he hated even more how much he thought about joining taeil, singing with taeil, touching taeil, god, he even thought about serenading to him. about kissing him and holding him close. like, really close.

it wasn't all because of the piano thing, he knew that. johnny always liked taeil a lot, always tried to make him smile and, despite never telling anyone about it, he felt so jealous of sicheng – the boy taeil loved to love. sometimes, on those moments when you're only half asleep and nothing feels real, johnny wondered what it felt like to be loved by taeil.

he was well aware of those feelings, but avoided them and tried his best to live without letting it get to him. most of the time it worked and johnny was proud of that. but ever since that small boy with pretty, sparkly eyes started walking into his room at night, right before sleep, only to play a sad song on the piano and leave... falling asleep started feeling a lot like falling in love.

 

_and you made me lose my self control._

 

maybe the time was right, johnny thought as he made his way to the bedroom. maybe it was time to break the silence. because even if taeil didn't reciprocate his feelings, which he probably didn't, johnny was going to explode if he kept all those things to himself. he was too open to just hide like that, it would eventually kill him.

 "am i interrupting?", johnny asked, a smile on his voice as he entered his own room. "never", taeil answered without hesitating and without taking his eyes off the instrument he was playing.

johnny sat on his bed, watching the older boy. he waited. suddenly taeil started singing... just like johnny had imagined all those times before. and it hit him. he was in love. sadly, desperately, incredibly in love. because the boy sitting near the foot of his bed was a literal dream and maybe that's why he always came at night, right before sleep. when nothing feels real.

and as taeil sang about a man pining for another man, johnny fell deeper and deeper. he _had_ to say something, do something, anything. because, fuck, he _was_ a big guy but keeping it all inside him was unbearable. it was too much, it was all too much. he suddenly felt like crying. fuck. he really wanted to cry. fuck. _fuck._

 

_keep a place for me..._

 

taeil stopped playing and everything got too real too quickly. when he got up, johnny instinctively asked him to sit beside him, which the smaller boy did, sitting with his legs crossed and a soft smile on his face.

"why do you do that?" johnny asked, voice breaking at the end of the sentence. the smile disappeared from taeil's face as he replied with another question, "why do i do what?" the younger let out a sigh. "come in at night, play the piano, leave without saying anything. repeat. i-i... i don't mind. to be honest, i like it. but i wanna know why." taeil frowned, visibly hesitant about what he should say. "i already told you. yours is the only room with a piano. that is the only reason, i swear." and it felt honest. because it really was, johnny knew that already. the brown haired boy had no clue about the effect he had on his friend, at least until now, because johnny looked like an open book and anyone could tell what was going on with him.

taeil wished there was something else, but there wasn’t. he felt comfortable around johnny and he missed having a stupid piano for whenever he wanted to play some music. that was it. he couldn't look at the other's eyes, so he kept staring at his feet, mentally apologizing for such a childish behavior but feeling unable to look up.

 

_i, i, i, know you gotta leave, leave, leave, take down some summer time._

 

johnny felt sick. those next minutes were going to be painful. he felt like vomiting but instead of actually doing it, he just let out the most sincere words that ever left his mouth. his voice didn't crack, he didn't hesitate, not even for a millisecond. "i love you" _oh my god, i really said it._ "yeah. i love you." he said it again and shrugged right after. what is done, is done.

 

_give up, just tonight, night, night_

 

taeil gasped, eyes wide in shock. he looked at johnny but not a single word came to his mind. it was all blank. johnny actually looked relieved, as if the reply to what he just said didn't matter. and knowing him as well as taeil did, it probably didn't – he was just expressing himself with no expectations. but still, taeil didn't know what to say because the feeling wasn't mutual and they both knew it but saying it out loud would change everything forever. but maybe things had changed already when johnny said those three words.

"right" taeil said, "i can't... i... i don't know what to say, johnny. i do love you, yes. but not like _that._ i-i can't--" as he was babbling, he didn't realize how low his voice sounded and how closer johnny had gotten in order to understand what he was saying. they were sitting side by side on the younger's bed now, their arms almost touching and taeil could feel the heat emanating from the boy's body. it felt comfortable. johnny always felt comfortable, just like home. the thing is: taeil left home for a reason.

 

_i, i, i know you got someone comin'_

 

"i know" was the only thing johnny could say. it sounded as if he felt sorry for how bad the other was feeling more than he felt sorry for himself. "i always knew, so it's really not your fault". taeil went back to staring at his feet but he could feel an intense gaze glued up on him. johnny really felt so right and so comfortable it made him sad. because, even then, taeil couldn't bring himself to love him. he had tried it before but things just don't work like that. he sighed before looking into johnny's eyes, not knowing what to say. 

 

_you're spitting game, oh, you got it_

 

before johnny could see it coming, taeil's face was already too close to his own. he closed the distance between them and regretted it immediately because he knew what that kiss meant. it was an apology. a bittersweet apology, tasting like toothpaste and tears johnny never realized were there in the first place. taeil's hands were placed on the back of johnny's head, while his body was getting dangerously close but johnny couldn't help but pull taeil even closer because he knew that it all would be ending soon. everything always ended too soon.

when taeil opened his mouth and gently pressed his tongue against johnny's lips, everything went downhill inside the taller boy's mind. he thought he had it all together but he wasn't expecting for that to happen. and how painfully familiar that kiss felt. everything about it. with his eyes closed, johnny could almost smell his bedroom back in chicago. he could try and pretend they were home, hanging out in his room after classes and kissing because it was the only thing left for them to do.

but just like his bedroom back in chicago, the moment was gone. taeil pressed his lips against johnny's one last time, mouthed again that he was sorry and left. it always ends too soon.

 

 

during all the other nights after that, johnny tried to convince himself that nothing really happened, it was all just a dream. he told himself that taeil never came to his room, not a single night -- that his mind played tricks on him on those moments when you're only half asleep and nothing feels real.

 but it did feel real, though. dreams are supposed to have a happy ending. only reality could hurt that much.

**Author's Note:**

> once again, i'm sorry for this angsty mess. and thank you very very much for reading!  
> i'd like to thank my fellow moonis on twitter, i might have left our groupchat for a little while but ya'll still inspire me a lot. i'd also like to thank the bestest person out there, [lilly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiorisinggg/pseuds/scorpiorisinggg), for encouraging me. and for everything else too.  
> oh, and you can find me on twitter! i'm [@bloominggays](http://twitter.com/bloominggays) and i mostly cry about sekai and moon taeil.


End file.
